misunderstood...

Coming from a strong holiness background, feelings often include guilt, shame, fear, and self-condemnation (to name a few). I met God before I was old enough to remember. I asked Him into my heart… many times (for fear that salvation wasn’t real the first time and, whether by fluke or my own fault, I would end up in hell). Then I lived a yo-yo life for the subsequent decade. A few months would be spent away from the church… (It’s the strangest thing, I would tell my mom, I get sick EVERY Sunday!). Then, for some odd reason, I would fly back into the church of my own accord, spend a couple months faithfully attending, and make sure to condemn the rest of my family for not being as holy as I was. It took 14 (or so) years of Christianity before I really, wholeheartedly committed my life to Christ. It was at this point that all guilt, shame, fear, and self-condemnation fled in the name of Jesus!... Yeah right.

I spent two years, as my denomination would say, as a sanctified believer. But there was still no freedom. Now there weren’t only a list of things I wasn’t aloud to do, but there were also a huge list of things I was required to do. Each day I had to read my bible; I never could seem to pray enough; I liked attending church and ministry events, but if I missed one I felt bad; I had to act like I loved everyone, even if I didn’t; etc, etc etc. In Hebrews 9:9 it says, “the gifts and sacrifices being offered were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper.” Shortly following, the scriptures say, “Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices which can never take away sins.” (Hebrews 10:11).

No matter how much I advance in any given area, no matter how many things I achieve, no matter how close to holiness I can fight on my own, I will never be satisfied in my successes because they are still a failure in the grand scheme. I will never be able to feel secure in my salvation and relationship with God simply because I achieve a high level of spiritual discipline. Rather, I will wind up resenting God for a standard he wasn’t responsible for imposing on me.

“For this reason [the law] can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins.” (Hebrews 10:1-3)

We know the textbook answers; I knew them. I was told that Christ died for me and took away my sins. I was taught that we were a part of a new covenant in which Jesus’ blood paid it all. I was forgiven and accepted all that time I wandered through the majority of my life thus far. But I wasn’t walking in the freedom of Christ. I wasn’t living like I’d “been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.” (Hebrews 10:10) I hadn’t internalized that “because [of] one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” (Hebrews 10:14) I was a part of the new covenant, but still living by the old.

Holiness is a good thing. But taken out of the context of freedom in Christ, we are left with legalism. If we begin to fall in love with Christ and his glory we WILL live holy, but it won’t be by our own power and volition. Salvation doesn’t flow out of works. Rather, out of love and relationship with Christ flows perseverance, confidence, sincerity, purity, clean consciences, freedom from guilt and condemnation, faith instead of fear, light instead of darkness. The beauty of it all is once we unify ourselves with God, He fights for our success instead of us fighting against his grace.