who's the man?

Throughout most of my life, I haven’t been “in a relationship”. I didn’t find the requirement of being vulnerable, worth the heartache and lack of control it left me with. Independence was enjoyable and I have always been perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Until I got married last September, my longest relationships were all under 3 months. Within those short relationships I never got to a point of having to give up control or let someone push me beyond how open I was willing to be. About the time commitment levels would be looking to move beyond where I was comfortable, I was out.

Now that I am married there is no out. I find myself in a relationship that I will be in as long as both he and I are alive. Being “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24) means that little is kept to myself. Any way that I am insecure or don’t measure up, he is going to figure it out sooner or later. My proclivity to be controlling is challenged in my call to “submit” (Eph. 5:22) to my husband. Overall, it goes against so much of what I’ve trained myself to be.

We are taught throughout our lives to be some form of feminist. Although we weren’t intended to operate this way, we keep fighting for “women” and fighting against the biblical model of marriage and gender roles. The longer we try, the more we will find ourselves in contention with God’s perfect will, leaving us with anything but perfection.

Throughout my short time being married, God has been shifting my perspective of the role of women. I always wanted to go to college, go into pre-law, go to law school, and then (obviously) become a lawyer. I wasn’t opposed to marriage but I wasn’t convinced it would ever happen to me either. But that didn’t really matter a ton. I was willing to pick up this whole burden of life that God never intended for me. I planned to be the provider, the leader, and the head of my family—a man could enter in that if he wanted (but who would honestly want to be emasculated to that point?). I was trying to fulfill the role of powerful woman by being a man.

Biblically, women are to submit to their husbands (Eph. 5:22). They are to be helpers (Gen. 2:18). They are to be homeward in orientation and support their children and husband before all else (Titus 2:4-5). This isn’t to say they are weak or incapable, or that they shouldn’t work at all or can’t get an education. Check out Proverbs 31:10-31; a lot is expected out of a woman; she has great potential and a unique, powerful role. After all, like men, women were created in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27) for a specific purpose.

Biblically, women are blessed with the opportunity to flourish and thrive under the leadership of a Godly husband. We aren’t to be laden with the responsibility of providing and protecting a family in the way that a man is. We are given the freedom to follow and find happiness without many of the burdens of men’s curses (Gen 3:17). So women, let me ask, why do we fight against this blessing? Instead of accepting a gift intended to make our lives easier through the perfection of God’s plan, we reject it in favor of a life of toil trying to live a life that we weren’t designed for. Rather than carrying our end of the bargain and letting the head do what it’s supposed to, we would like to do our part as well as the mans. Or, at our biggest shift, we completely neglect the responsibilities of our own role and swap them for the role of the Head.

We are the bride of Christ. Whether male or female, we are the helper, never the head. It’s God’s job to protect and provide for us. He, and only He, offers salvation and sustenance. God doesn’t NEED our help to complete his purposes, but he has enlisted us as helpers to carry out his mission across the earth. We are to depend on him and let him lead, while following faithfully as a good wife does a Godly husband. We aren’t in control, but by assuming authority that isn’t ours, we emasculate God and deny him His rightful position in our life. Although this sounds scary (and torturous to some) it, like being the wife in a human covenant relationship, should come as a relief to us. The realization that we don’t have to carry the weight that God bears should be a beacon of hope, relaxation and peace to us. We get the blessing of being a helper in God’s ministry, with the ultimate assurance, provision and protection found in the head, Jesus Christ.

misunderstood...

Coming from a strong holiness background, feelings often include guilt, shame, fear, and self-condemnation (to name a few). I met God before I was old enough to remember. I asked Him into my heart… many times (for fear that salvation wasn’t real the first time and, whether by fluke or my own fault, I would end up in hell). Then I lived a yo-yo life for the subsequent decade. A few months would be spent away from the church… (It’s the strangest thing, I would tell my mom, I get sick EVERY Sunday!). Then, for some odd reason, I would fly back into the church of my own accord, spend a couple months faithfully attending, and make sure to condemn the rest of my family for not being as holy as I was. It took 14 (or so) years of Christianity before I really, wholeheartedly committed my life to Christ. It was at this point that all guilt, shame, fear, and self-condemnation fled in the name of Jesus!... Yeah right.

I spent two years, as my denomination would say, as a sanctified believer. But there was still no freedom. Now there weren’t only a list of things I wasn’t aloud to do, but there were also a huge list of things I was required to do. Each day I had to read my bible; I never could seem to pray enough; I liked attending church and ministry events, but if I missed one I felt bad; I had to act like I loved everyone, even if I didn’t; etc, etc etc. In Hebrews 9:9 it says, “the gifts and sacrifices being offered were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper.” Shortly following, the scriptures say, “Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices which can never take away sins.” (Hebrews 10:11).

No matter how much I advance in any given area, no matter how many things I achieve, no matter how close to holiness I can fight on my own, I will never be satisfied in my successes because they are still a failure in the grand scheme. I will never be able to feel secure in my salvation and relationship with God simply because I achieve a high level of spiritual discipline. Rather, I will wind up resenting God for a standard he wasn’t responsible for imposing on me.

“For this reason [the law] can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins.” (Hebrews 10:1-3)

We know the textbook answers; I knew them. I was told that Christ died for me and took away my sins. I was taught that we were a part of a new covenant in which Jesus’ blood paid it all. I was forgiven and accepted all that time I wandered through the majority of my life thus far. But I wasn’t walking in the freedom of Christ. I wasn’t living like I’d “been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.” (Hebrews 10:10) I hadn’t internalized that “because [of] one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” (Hebrews 10:14) I was a part of the new covenant, but still living by the old.

Holiness is a good thing. But taken out of the context of freedom in Christ, we are left with legalism. If we begin to fall in love with Christ and his glory we WILL live holy, but it won’t be by our own power and volition. Salvation doesn’t flow out of works. Rather, out of love and relationship with Christ flows perseverance, confidence, sincerity, purity, clean consciences, freedom from guilt and condemnation, faith instead of fear, light instead of darkness. The beauty of it all is once we unify ourselves with God, He fights for our success instead of us fighting against his grace.

who needs God...?

With pro-con lists, well thought out arguments that cover all your bases, a world of information at your fingertips, and plenty of advice from the people around you... who needs God? Whether we believe in God, many gods, or none at all, we seem to be born with a moral compass. We know what is right and wrong. We know the possible consequences of our actions. We know how the world works. If not, well... just Google it. We can learn the "responsible" way to make life decisions, and generally people will praise you for whatever choices you make (at least publicly on your Facebook page).

Really, we don't operate with many needs. There are plenty of wants, but when it comes to needs we tend to be dependent solely upon ourselves and our own capabilities. We know that a job equals an income and an income equals provision. We know that if you want to get a good career you should go to college first. We know that in order to be happy in life we should be able to afford a good house and buy the things that should fulfill us. We know that if you have sex you could get pregnant. We know that if you break the law it will likely cost you (in more ways than one). We know that if we get drunk we could end up doing all sorts of stuff we wouldn't have done in sound mind. We know that if we cheat on our boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc that we are heaping a web of issues upon ourselves.

We are taught cause and effect from a young age. We are tested on it in elementary school. But another thing we are taught is how to wiggle out of these same rules and consequences. We can freeload off of each other or our parents and not have to deal with growing up and getting a good career. We can seek the new American dream and putter around in college getting a partying degree. We can avoid the outcomes of sex through all sorts of contraceptives and recon plans. We break all sorts of traffic violations, but never get caught thanks to radar detectors. We drink, then choose to ignore much we may have humiliated ourselves. We cheat and then keep it a secret or lie our way even further into it.

Often times we find ourselves stuck between a rock and a hard place because there isn't an absolute that is easily settled upon. We live in an age where my truth is mine and your truth is yours. If I can put a strong enough rationale behind my point of view to convince myself I'm doing okay, then others can do the same. We are all "free" to live our lives any way we want, in the name of justice and truth.

In Joshua 9 a group of men living nearby come to deceive Joshua and the Israelites. They know the Isrealites are dominating every kingdom in the area and are worried they will be next... unless they can make a peace treaty. In order to trick the Israelites, they purposefully appear as if they are from a distant land (thus, not a threat) by manipulating their appearance. The men wear old clothing and use old wine-skins, as if they have been weathering through the whole trip. They bring rotten bread, as if it has been aging through a long journey, in hopes that it will assure the Israelites to trust them. In Joshua 9:14-15 it says, "The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord. Then Joshua made a treaty of peace with them to let them live, and the leaders of the assembly ratified it by oath."

I can just hear the internal monologue of the men making this decision. Everything checked out. They felt justified in making a decision of peace with these men; after all, they were only ordered by God to destroy the men residing in the land that had been given to them. These men are from a far away land, it could be good to make friends. We know this because they are carrying old bread... it must have been a long time they were on the road! Look at these wine-skins, they are cracked and aged... what a long journey! Look at their clothes, they are worn with travel. Not only did the Israelites feel justified in their decision, but they probably felt godly. They probably felt like they were making a merciful decision. They felt empowered. They felt in control. They carefully took all rational and physical evidence into account, weighed the possible outcomes, and made a decision . Its the same thing we do on a daily, no hourly, basis... and it's fine.....

Unless you consider God. There's a change that happens in us when we decide to surrender our will to God's will. If we are truly consecrated to the Lord then we go where he goes, we do what he does, we make the decisions that he prompts. Often the thing that God wants is so very different from the thing we have been taught all our lives. The will of God tends to go against our natural, selfish thinking. The things God wills for us lie in faith, not control on our part. What God wants is the inquiring heart. Joshua and his men "did not inquire of the Lord." then made a decision completely on their own. The consequences of this? A lack of protection, separation between them and God, the struggle of being out of the will of God, the possibility of missing what God really wanted because they took their own path, and, perhaps most frustrating of all, being stuck later trying to remedy the situation within the confines of our own ill-made decision.

Although what God wants for us tends to be counter-culture and not solely based on the solutions we ourselves work out, it usually is still rooted in rational, logical, and moral thought (depending on your definition of these terms). But the path is different for those of us in the Spirit than it is for humans as a separate entity. We are supposed to get to the correct decision through inquiry, by means of the Lord's leading. It's a matter of choosing between the best that we can muster up for ourselves, or simply the best. Period. The solution to our questions may be the same as we previously thought, but in communion with the Lord it takes on a new power. Or maybe the solution is to make a 180 degree turn. The solution may be patience or it could be action. It could be letting up or pushing forward. But how will we know unless we INQUIRE, honestly seeking the heart of the Lord. So what "will" will it be?

An excerpt...

Oh Lord, how I am blinded. I am blinded to who you are and what you can do through me. I am blinded to what you think of me; what your plan is for me; how much you care for me. I am blinded to where you are.

Really, I don't understand much. I don't understand why we are even here or how I am supposed to spend my time. I don't understand the difference between what I should be doing and what I don't have to.

I know quite a lot. . . But those truths aren't necessarily internalized. I know what I am supposed to believe, but still you seem far away.

Here we are again, back at the foundation I seem to find myself fallen prone on time and time again. The place where I wonder what could be so wrong with me that I've ended up feeling this way. The place where I labor over what I should be doing to make things better or to bring security and happiness back. . . I suppose this place is here to remind me that I need you.

Funny how I seek dependency on you all my life. I pray things like "Lord, I want to be more dependent on you!" or "Lord, bring deeper dependency." Then when life, ministry, relationships, everything gets to that out of control needy place, I begin frantically praying prayers of reversal. "Oh Lord, calm this situation down!" "Fix it!" "I can't handle this!!"

Duh...

You finally get to a point where you need me. The place where everything is out of control and each day you can't function without me in your life. Do you remember what you have spent all this time praying for? You are finally entering into things that will fail if I don't show up to do them. You are actually becoming dependent.

Maybe it's time I start training myself to see the "out of control" positively. I should learn to thank God for my inabilities and the need to pray.

Again, I know this... but we'll see how well I actually believe it.

Untitled

I wrote the following thoughts last month after a friend of mine drown while on a camping trip with a group of us. I had stored away the writing in my journal and hadn’t revisited it since. Today, I felt lead to type it up and post it. Just as I typed the last sentence and put the period on the end, I received a text saying that another friend of mine just passed away this morning. Interesting how things like that work out. It is my prayer that she knew the Lord and is joyfully joining Zane and Jesus, rather than the alternative. I hope the following words help.

In death, life begins to run a little bit more like God intended. When you lose a loved one, you grieve for them, mourn, wail, and cry for them. It isn’t controllable. It just overwhelms you with sorrow.

In death, community is greater. You need one another. You need assurance, love and unity. People’s personal bubbles grow smaller and it doesn’t matter how well you know each other, hugging bonds you together rather than creating the awkwardness of undesired intimacy.

The last thing on your mind is getting tasks done. You do what you need to do to get by and there is no guilt in not taking care of anything else.

Compassion grows. You see those around you suffer and their needs are valued as if they were your own because in that time, you are one.

It doesn’t matter what you are wearing, or if you hair is dried and fixed. It doesn’t even matter if you smell terrible and are going out covered in beach sand. It just doesn’t matter.

When someone dies, it feels like everything is surreal. Nothing seems to make sense and grasping any greater concept is an elusive task.

But perhaps, even in the confusion, this is the realist time of all. The time when all of life’s follies disappear and we are confronted with the vanity of our lives on this earth. Life and death is all that matters when it comes down to it. Leaving this earth should be a joyous occasion. But instead, we mourn the loss of what we perceive could have been. We mourn the career he could have had, the wife he could have loved, the kids he could have raised, forgetting that the things we find comfort in on this earth don’t compare in any way to the joy he experiences in constantly worshiping Jesus in person.

He isn’t sad. He isn’t longing. He isn’t wanting. He isn’t waiting.

He loves life abundantly.

Paul said, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know. I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and to be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.” (Phil. 1:21-26)

It is a comfort to know that in Christ we aren’t faced with live and death. But it should be our joy to use all the time we’ve been given, whether long or short to lead others to the same blessed fate. Whether it is a job, an argument, a task, a funky mood, a fear, laziness, hurt, pain, or whatever else, when we are truly hit with the reality of life and death, priorities seem to work themselves out.

dang...

You only love me as much as you obey.

sold out...

The other day upon arriving at school I checked my email, as is common practice. I had an email from Amazon, which also isn’t surprising. Pretty regularly I find myself cleaning out the random junk mail from websites I purchased something from before. Normally they get the trash button without a second thought, but this day something caught my interest. The little preview beside the title said “We recommend you purchase Everwood: Season 4.” Sure enough this show, Everwood, that I have (or thought I had) every season to, that was canceled (I thought) after season 3 (much to my dismay) had a 4^th season available for pre-order on DVD to be released August 2, 2011. After I checked that it was legit and I wasn’t about to get overly excited about something that didn’t exist, I told all the girls in class of this surprise. I also updated my facebook status to show it, I emailed my mom to tell her I was going to pre-order it, and I texted one of my best friends (who is equally obsessed) to share this wonderful news. I then proceeded to get on Amazon and purchase it. Now I eagerly await its arrival on August 5, 2011.

I hate to admit that I am the kind of person who can get this excited about a TV show, but for some reason I am really passionate about it. I really enjoy the characters. I enjoy the storyline. And I want to watch all of it! Even if you think I am crazy right now, you have to admit that we all have something like that in our lives. Something that we love and would buy the day it comes out, or even pre-order because we want to make sure we get our hands on it as soon as possible. Maybe it is the newest Harry Potter book, or a video game, a new movie, or even the day a friend returns after being gone for a while. Whatever it is, we go and seek it out and then we give up our resources in order to obtain it.

Today I was trying to have quiet time, and found myself struggling. So many days I wind up feeling obligated to read my bible or spend time in prayer without much positive expectations. When I do get over myself and spend time with the Lord, I never regret it; he always surprises me with how he shows up. But my quiet time is riddled with coercing. I spend so much time trying to convince God to meet with me or talk to me. I beg him to reveal himself to me and have to fight through my naturally pessimistic attitudes telling me I wont be able to find the Lord’s presence. I place all the weight on myself to seek God out, to find him, and to bring his presence around me.

As I was fighting the typical battle today, I found myself reading in Revelation 5. In this part of the book the Elders are on their knees before Jesus, worshiping him for the way he came to save man (and is the only one is capable of it). They say in verse 9, “with your blood YOU purchased men FOR God.” (Emphasis is mine).

I would do myself right when seeking the Lord to realize that I’m not the purchaser in this transaction, God is. God is the one who has sought us out, knew us, and gave up his resources to make us his. My relationship with the Lord is merely a response to his advances. He is constantly drawing me towards him and many times this separation I feel in the air between God and I is entirely made up in my head. If God says he is with me, then he is and I should talk to him as such. If God says he is attentive to my cries and prayers, then I should believe that he is straining his neck to hear what I have to say. If he has already purchased me then why I am I still making sacrifices to try to buy him and his time. He wants me to be with him, or he wouldn’t have purchased me to make me all his. If I can be this excited about purchasing a DVD set, I can’t imagine how eagerly God awaits our returning to him.

life, death, and other small concepts...

Disclaimer: I can’t take the credit for this one. The following theological thoughts were ruthlessly and un-regrettably stolen from a certain fiancé of mine.

This last week at the youth ministry at our church (Easter Sunday!), Kevin planned on preaching out of Luke 24 but never got the chance to. Tatiana and I refused to accept this and made him take us to Dairy Queen and preach it to us anyways. Turns out it was a good thing we heard the gospel that day, because the message needed to be preached.

His sermon was centered on the concepts of life and death. We are taught as Christians that we once were dead,, but now we are alive in Christ. Just as Jesus Christ rose from the dead, we too find life upon entering into relationship with God. But if we enter into LIFE at the same time we enter into this relationship with God, then what were we for all the time leading up to that? We would say all those years were a part of our “life” but if we didn’t have life yet, then what’s left for us to be? Dead.

Praise God we aren’t stuck in death. Thank Jesus that through him, we can be eternally separated from the hopelessness of death. But after we take that step and become followers of Christ, we should be living in that life. The problem that raises now is how could we possibly know how to “live like we’re alive” if our whole “lives”, we really were dead. Any paradigm we have for “what life is” was formulated and defined within the confines of death. In Luke 24:5 the angel says “why do you look for the living among the dead?” We live among the walking dead all the time. Many of us are still dead. If we aren’t, We can at least remember what it was like to be dead. And even in life, many of us still are living according to the norms of death.

This was an Easter sermon, and honestly, I usually gloss over those thinking, “I’ve heard this before. This is for people who still need to find Jesus.” But in reality, I live in death all the time. Thank God that he is merciful and loves me all the same. But the choices I make and the things that I think about can so easily turn into the confining things of death.

After we get married in September, Kevin and I are planning to get a house. By choosing to buy one here in Hermiston we are making a pretty big commitment to living here, doing ministry here, and in the future, raising a family here. That idea finds much favor with me. I grew up here. My whole family lives here. I went to elementary school and middle school, high school and college here. It’s not that I couldn’t have left, but that I was one of the few who didn’t want to. I met Kevin here and we are getting married here. It works for me. I know it well. It’s comfortable.

And that would be exactly what death wants for me. He would want me to believe that the best thing I can do on this earth is find comfort in controlling what I can of my life. Because I am so used to doing what I think is best for me and most enjoyable for me, it is so difficult to believe that maybe someone out there knows something better than the comfort I’ve created around me. If I want to be living in life I have to recognize that there is only one person who knows life and truth in its purest form. I have to believe and hope for the things that I can’t see. If true life for me is here in Hermiston, then I’m blessed to be here, but if it ends up being any other place doing any other thing, I want that… because life, even in it’s worst form, is still so much better than death at it’s best.

an introduction of sorts...

I attend a 5-person (entirely female….) Christian bible college in a po-dunk farming town in Eastern Oregon. One day a particularly musical girl from school asked me how I possibly found an artistic sub community here. She was certain that no such community existed. It’s true. When you look at this town you would see no habitat visibly capable of nurturing and fostering artistic people, except maybe the one local Starbucks (but how mainstream can we get here). When you grow up in a town three hours from “weird” Portland where becoming all you dreamed of being (a hairy, freelance-musician-writer, full-time contemplator, flannel wearing, free spirit) is only a graduation away, you tend to lose everyone of strong artistic conviction as fast as they switch their tassels. But I’ve learned that doesn’t mean there aren’t artists walking among us. If you focus past the wheat fields and Walmart you find musicians and painters, writers and dancers, dreamers and believers. You find unique perspectives and passions. They lurk on street corners, in coffee shops, in our local bookstore, and more commonly at home in their own living rooms.

But upon encountering these artists of vast sorts, we find more jealousy than happiness. They seem to be living out what we want, but are too afraid to chase after. If we really were living out the desires we suppress, we wouldn’t be so concerned with finding the right crowd or being around people who are zany and unique. Rather we would find the compelling within the people around us, simultaneously finding confidence in acting upon our own convictions.

As is, we tend see someone else’s work and try and be just like it. Or we try to be nothing like it so we don’t lose our uniqueness and take a dart to our pride. We try to create things that we think everybody else wants to see. We try to win people over by perfecting our art. But is that really personal expression?

Today at chapel the five of us girls kumbaya’d it and talked about our frustrations with unreleased passions in different creative areas of our lives. The common theme was that every one of us had something we wanted to create or be a part of; a medium through which to express ourselves to the world around us. The other common theme was fear. All of us feel intense jealousy when we see other people succeeding at the things we are too afraid to try. All of us think “shoot, even I could do that” when we see things we like, but none of us are actually doing it.

If you are compelled to do the same thing the guy down the street did, then do it. There can be more than one person making clay elephants in the world; it doesn’t invalidate either of your crafts. If you want to do something no one seems to appreciate, then do it. Just because they may not like it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone who will be affected by what you shared. If you have been influenced by others, as we all have, then show that influence. It doesn’t make you any less of an individual.

The thing about bringing something expressive into our society or culture is that it has to be an expression of what’s within us. If we spent as much time releasing the thoughts and ideas that clang off the insides of our skulls as we did trying to outwardly express what never really gets in, we would find ourselves truly offering up an expression of the things meaningful enough to find their way into our core. It isn’t about us creating perfection, after all, how can something imperfect create anything better than imperfection. But it IS about giving honesty and truth. It IS about resting assured in what we are, including our differences and similarities to those around us.

That’s why I’m writing this. This morning at chapel in the midst of this discussion we shared the specific things we wanted to do. Tabby wants to blog about life—all the way from anime to married life. Amanda wants to start a rollerblading club at our college while she promotes her photography (and yes, she wants to do them simultaneously, much to our demise assuredly). Jessica wants to be a musician unhindered by the limited opportunities small town culture provides. Darcie wants to write skits and make videos that impact and influence other people for Christ. And well, I want to eliminate the knot in my stomach that re-forms any time I think about writing. That’s about all. I just typed “I hope you enjoy” but then deleted it. That kind of packaged ending would put the bow on exactly what I’d like to avoid. Perhaps a better choice of words would be… I hope you can relate.

Cheers.