Oh Lord, how I am blinded. I am blinded to who you are and what you can do through me. I am blinded to what you think of me; what your plan is for me; how much you care for me. I am blinded to where you are.
Really, I don't understand much. I don't understand why we are even here or how I am supposed to spend my time. I don't understand the difference between what I should be doing and what I don't have to.
I know quite a lot. . . But those truths aren't necessarily internalized. I know what I am supposed to believe, but still you seem far away.
Here we are again, back at the foundation I seem to find myself fallen prone on time and time again. The place where I wonder what could be so wrong with me that I've ended up feeling this way. The place where I labor over what I should be doing to make things better or to bring security and happiness back. . . I suppose this place is here to remind me that I need you.
Funny how I seek dependency on you all my life. I pray things like "Lord, I want to be more dependent on you!" or "Lord, bring deeper dependency." Then when life, ministry, relationships, everything gets to that out of control needy place, I begin frantically praying prayers of reversal. "Oh Lord, calm this situation down!" "Fix it!" "I can't handle this!!"
Duh...
You finally get to a point where you need me. The place where everything is out of control and each day you can't function without me in your life. Do you remember what you have spent all this time praying for? You are finally entering into things that will fail if I don't show up to do them. You are actually becoming dependent.
Maybe it's time I start training myself to see the "out of control" positively. I should learn to thank God for my inabilities and the need to pray.
Again, I know this... but we'll see how well I actually believe it.
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