He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. -Ecclesiastes 3:11

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

misunderstood...

Coming from a strong holiness background, feelings often include guilt, shame, fear, and self-condemnation (to name a few). I met God before I was old enough to remember. I asked Him into my heart… many times (for fear that salvation wasn’t real the first time and, whether by fluke or my own fault, I would end up in hell). Then I lived a yo-yo life for the subsequent decade. A few months would be spent away from the church… (It’s the strangest thing, I would tell my mom, I get sick EVERY Sunday!). Then, for some odd reason, I would fly back into the church of my own accord, spend a couple months faithfully attending, and make sure to condemn the rest of my family for not being as holy as I was. It took 14 (or so) years of Christianity before I really, wholeheartedly committed my life to Christ. It was at this point that all guilt, shame, fear, and self-condemnation fled in the name of Jesus!... Yeah right.


I spent two years, as my denomination would say, as a sanctified believer. But there was still no freedom. Now there weren’t only a list of things I wasn’t aloud to do, but there were also a huge list of things I was required to do. Each day I had to read my bible; I never could seem to pray enough; I liked attending church and ministry events, but if I missed one I felt bad; I had to act like I loved everyone, even if I didn’t; etc, etc etc. In Hebrews 9:9 it says, “the gifts and sacrifices being offered were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper.” Shortly following, the scriptures say, “Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices which can never take away sins.” (Hebrews 10:11).


No matter how much I advance in any given area, no matter how many things I achieve, no matter how close to holiness I can fight on my own, I will never be satisfied in my successes because they are still a failure in the grand scheme. I will never be able to feel secure in my salvation and relationship with God simply because I achieve a high level of spiritual discipline. Rather, I will wind up resenting God for a standard he wasn’t responsible for imposing on me.


“For this reason [the law] can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins.” (Hebrews 10:1-3)


We know the textbook answers; I knew them. I was told that Christ died for me and took away my sins. I was taught that we were a part of a new covenant in which Jesus’ blood paid it all. I was forgiven and accepted all that time I wandered through the majority of my life thus far. But I wasn’t walking in the freedom of Christ. I wasn’t living like I’d “been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.” (Hebrews 10:10) I hadn’t internalized that “because [of] one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” (Hebrews 10:14) I was a part of the new covenant, but still living by the old.


Holiness is a good thing. But taken out of the context of freedom in Christ, we are left with legalism. If we begin to fall in love with Christ and his glory we WILL live holy, but it won’t be by our own power and volition. Salvation doesn’t flow out of works. Rather, out of love and relationship with Christ flows perseverance, confidence, sincerity, purity, clean consciences, freedom from guilt and condemnation, faith instead of fear, light instead of darkness. The beauty of it all is once we unify ourselves with God, He fights for our success instead of us fighting against his grace.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

who needs God...?

With pro-con lists, well thought out arguments that cover all your bases, a world of information at your fingertips, and plenty of advice from the people around you... who needs God? Whether we believe in God, many gods, or none at all, we seem to be born with a moral compass. We know what is right and wrong. We know the possible consequences of our actions. We know how the world works. If not, well... just Google it. We can learn the "responsible" way to make life decisions, and generally people will praise you for whatever choices you make (at least publicly on your Facebook page).

Really, we don't operate with many needs. There are plenty of wants, but when it comes to needs we tend to be dependent solely upon ourselves and our own capabilities. We know that a job equals an income and an income equals provision. We know that if you want to get a good career you should go to college first. We know that in order to be happy in life we should be able to afford a good house and buy the things that should fulfill us. We know that if you have sex you could get pregnant. We know that if you break the law it will likely cost you (in more ways than one). We know that if we get drunk we could end up doing all sorts of stuff we wouldn't have done in sound mind. We know that if we cheat on our boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc that we are heaping a web of issues upon ourselves.

We are taught cause and effect from a young age. We are tested on it in elementary school. But another thing we are taught is how to wiggle out of these same rules and consequences. We can freeload off of each other or our parents and not have to deal with growing up and getting a good career. We can seek the new American dream and putter around in college getting a partying degree. We can avoid the outcomes of sex through all sorts of contraceptives and recon plans. We break all sorts of traffic violations, but never get caught thanks to radar detectors. We drink, then choose to ignore much we may have humiliated ourselves. We cheat and then keep it a secret or lie our way even further into it.

Often times we find ourselves stuck between a rock and a hard place because there isn't an absolute that is easily settled upon. We live in an age where my truth is mine and your truth is yours. If I can put a strong enough rationale behind my point of view to convince myself I'm doing okay, then others can do the same. We are all "free" to live our lives any way we want, in the name of justice and truth.

In Joshua 9 a group of men living nearby come to deceive Joshua and the Israelites. They know the Isrealites are dominating every kingdom in the area and are worried they will be next... unless they can make a peace treaty. In order to trick the Israelites, they purposefully appear as if they are from a distant land (thus, not a threat) by manipulating their appearance. The men wear old clothing and use old wine-skins, as if they have been weathering through the whole trip. They bring rotten bread, as if it has been aging through a long journey, in hopes that it will assure the Israelites to trust them. In Joshua 9:14-15 it says, "The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord. Then Joshua made a treaty of peace with them to let them live, and the leaders of the assembly ratified it by oath."

I can just hear the internal monologue of the men making this decision. Everything checked out. They felt justified in making a decision of peace with these men; after all, they were only ordered by God to destroy the men residing in the land that had been given to them. These men are from a far away land, it could be good to make friends. We know this because they are carrying old bread... it must have been a long time they were on the road! Look at these wine-skins, they are cracked and aged... what a long journey! Look at their clothes, they are worn with travel. Not only did the Israelites feel justified in their decision, but they probably felt godly. They probably felt like they were making a merciful decision. They felt empowered. They felt in control. They carefully took all rational and physical evidence into account, weighed the possible outcomes, and made a decision . Its the same thing we do on a daily, no hourly, basis... and it's fine.....

Unless you consider God. There's a change that happens in us when we decide to surrender our will to God's will. If we are truly consecrated to the Lord then we go where he goes, we do what he does, we make the decisions that he prompts. Often the thing that God wants is so very different from the thing we have been taught all our lives. The will of God tends to go against our natural, selfish thinking. The things God wills for us lie in faith, not control on our part. What God wants is the inquiring heart. Joshua and his men "did not inquire of the Lord." then made a decision completely on their own. The consequences of this? A lack of protection, separation between them and God, the struggle of being out of the will of God, the possibility of missing what God really wanted because they took their own path, and, perhaps most frustrating of all, being stuck later trying to remedy the situation within the confines of our own ill-made decision.

Although what God wants for us tends to be counter-culture and not solely based on the solutions we ourselves work out, it usually is still rooted in rational, logical, and moral thought (depending on your definition of these terms). But the path is different for those of us in the Spirit than it is for humans as a separate entity. We are supposed to get to the correct decision through inquiry, by means of the Lord's leading. It's a matter of choosing between the best that we can muster up for ourselves, or simply the best. Period. The solution to our questions may be the same as we previously thought, but in communion with the Lord it takes on a new power. Or maybe the solution is to make a 180 degree turn. The solution may be patience or it could be action. It could be letting up or pushing forward. But how will we know unless we INQUIRE, honestly seeking the heart of the Lord. So what "will" will it be?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

An excerpt...

Oh Lord, how I am blinded. I am blinded to who you are and what you can do through me. I am blinded to what you think of me; what your plan is for me; how much you care for me. I am blinded to where you are.

Really, I don't understand much. I don't understand why we are even here or how I am supposed to spend my time. I don't understand the difference between what I should be doing and what I don't have to.

I know quite a lot. . . But those truths aren't necessarily internalized. I know what I am supposed to believe, but still you seem far away.

Here we are again, back at the foundation I seem to find myself fallen prone on time and time again. The place where I wonder what could be so wrong with me that I've ended up feeling this way. The place where I labor over what I should be doing to make things better or to bring security and happiness back. . . I suppose this place is here to remind me that I need you.

Funny how I seek dependency on you all my life. I pray things like "Lord, I want to be more dependent on you!" or "Lord, bring deeper dependency." Then when life, ministry, relationships, everything gets to that out of control needy place, I begin frantically praying prayers of reversal. "Oh Lord, calm this situation down!" "Fix it!" "I can't handle this!!"

Duh...

You finally get to a point where you need me. The place where everything is out of control and each day you can't function without me in your life. Do you remember what you have spent all this time praying for? You are finally entering into things that will fail if I don't show up to do them. You are actually becoming dependent.

Maybe it's time I start training myself to see the "out of control" positively. I should learn to thank God for my inabilities and the need to pray.

Again, I know this... but we'll see how well I actually believe it.